A pregnant (and agitated) reader sends in the following account:
I'm six months pregnant and quite obviously showing. Every morning I get on the B or Q train at Newkirk Ave. There are rarely any seats available. Almost every day what happens is this: I get on the train and end up standing in front of a group of seated people. Several of these people will look up stare directly at my belly, glance up at my face and promptly go back to reading or "sleeping". Often they will continually keep looking up to rudely stare at my protruding tummy. Only once have I been offered a seat, by a kind lady who said she knew what I was going through.Have your own gripe? Send it in!
On Friday I was standing on the train, as usual. I looked around the car and saw that I was not the only pregnant woman on the train. In fact, there were two other pregnant women in the car with me and we were all standing! One of the ladies was much more pregnant than me.
It strikes me as unbelievably rude that in the whole car not one person was willing to give up their seat to one of three obviously pregnant women. I thought it was common knowledge that you should always give up your seat to a pregnant, elderly, or disabled person. Apparently I am wrong.
Frustratedly,
Queenie
14 comments:
How obnoxious. Stephanie Tanner that is. After awhile it starts sounding like a whole new word
Queenie,
I have given up my seat for various reasons... many many times... but pregnancy does not cross the threshold for me.
If pregnancy is a "sickness" and/or a "disability," answer me this... Have you ever given up your seat for a person with the flu? It's probably a huge struggle for them to stay standing (i've been there) or what about a person with a screwed up foot or knee?
Not obvious enough?
What about a really fat man? It's very difficult and perhaps painful for a 350 pound man to stand on the subway for 40 mins too. Is he different than you?
Are you otherwise disabled or are you *just* pregnant? Pregnancy is hard -- but you signed up for it. Just like the 350 pound man.
I think you need to think about this a little before you get all indignant. Society will be forced to provide you MANY MANY allowances after your little hellion is born... (screaming, crying, huge cumbersome carriages, being sneezed and coughed on, etc etc etc.)
Please, give us a break while it's still inside you.
As a follow-up to my own comment... I'm very curious to know if Queenie has ever given her own seat up for anyone? Or perhaps she's always had another reason why she's more entitled to the seat... If so, I'd be curious to know what that reason is.
Sorry, Tyler, not buying it. It's called compassion. If you see that someone is obviously uncomfortable/in need of a seat, you give it up.
And yup, I've given up my seat for pregnant women, older people, people with obvious injuries, parents with babies. Do onto others, and all that.
Gotta say that when I was pregnant and in Paris, people gave up their seats to me all the time. Maybe it's a NYC thing?
I am hoping that most people appreciate the effort, love and energy given to them by their own mom. I for one, like to give back, just a little, by giving up my seat on the subway to pregnant ladies, children and the elderly. I don't think its a question of whether a pregnant woman is disabled or whether they expect it. Its the decent thing to do. As a mother I am not sure what "allowances" society is making for me. Definately not elevators on a subway. I work full time, clean the house, cook, shop, take care of the kid, etc. etc. I am on my feet without a second to spare from 6am till 10pm every night.
I also think it should be taken into consideration that a pregnant woman is not fat, she's actually got a vulnerable human inside of her, and the subway doesn't exactly run smoothly the whole time, nor do the rude people who push through.
Well Tyler, I believe you were a "hellion" yourself once and I'm sure if you asked your momma she would tell you how physically painful pregnancy and all of the wonderful side
effects that go with it can be. I also hope she would tell you that you, as a presumably able- bodied young man should give up your seat to anyone you see who clearly has a harder time standing than yourself.
As for me giving up my own seat, I have willingly ans happily given up my seat to pregnant women, elderly people, people carrying babies, people on crutches, children, and just the other week I gave my seat to a lady who seemed like she was feeling faint. Maybe she even had the flu, in which case she probably should have stayed home rather than risk infecting several people on the train with her.
I don't think of giving up a seat to someone who needs it more than me as some kind of horrible burden. I think of it as a mitzvah (ask a Jewish friend). I've lived in Brooklyn my whole life and NYC can be a tough, depressing place. Sometimes it's the little things that make the city bearable. if you can help make someone's day a little better, why wouldn't you?
Ps- I didn't "sign up for this" like when I signed up for the softball team in high school. It was a most happy accident.
Take the express bus to work. It's a better commute with less annoying people. You will also have a seat.
I do take the train home on occasion (after going out) and hate it. People feel the need to spread out and invade your "personal" space. Close your legs, you don't need to spread 'em like Texas. Do you really need to read my magazine with me? Peer over to see what I am listening to on my ipod?
"I think of it as a mitzvah (ask a Jewish friend)." Cute. I live in Brooklyn, where would I find a jewish friend?
I'm sorry -- perhaps you've taken my comments in the wrong way. And, as I continue, forgive me if this sounds misogynistic... It's just that I'm irked by the "Give up your seat" conversations I hear all over the place. And it tends to be women making the suggesting that men should be chivalrous etc. That pisses me off. (And I know you weren't making that suggestion.)
Queenie, you're pregnant, and chances are I would have given up my seat for you... and have many times (or at least offered other times). But there is a limit. And expectations are just that... they don't always get fulfilled.
It's also a bit of luck, no? When you get on the train, the car may be filled with wonderful folks that would gladly give up their seat -- but you may be standing there with your big ol' belly or your cane or arthritic hip in front of the jerks that wouldn't even move out of the way if an 80 year old woman was trying to get on the train with a big shopping bag.
I do have to comment about the flu victim you stood up for... "she probably should have stayed home rather than risk infecting several people on the train with her." Really? How do you want her to get to her doctor? Or home from the hospital or work? Maybe pregnant women and parents with small children should not go on the subway either.
I also have to say this... I hear the compassion and golden rule stuff. But what about folks, like me, that don't even TRY to sit down if the train is crowded. Keep in mind, in a packed train, at least HALF if not more of the passengers are standing... a lot of the people sitting may very well be sitting because they "have to" and maybe even got got their seat because someone offered it to them...
(btw, My mom knew that pregnancy was uncomfortable/painful so she hired a surrogate for the pregnancy and had be shipped to her via FedEx after I passed the 'hellion' stage.)
Tyler, I think someone must have sat on your mom for at least a full trimester.
This can't be coincidence... Can it?
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/17/please-give-the-disabled-your-seat-or-else/?scp=5&sq=seat%20on%20subway&st=cse
Also, as the comments on the Times blog show, there are plenty of Tyler's out there...but even more who are willing to give up a seat WITHOUT COMPLAINT to those who, for WHATEVER REASON need it more than they do.
I found the Q was one of the worst trains for that. Just wait until you're 9 months pregnant and no one budges -- it will happen. But there is an easy solution: ask for a seat. I used to wait until someone got up, then I'd go for the seat while appealing to any competitors with "do you mind if I sit? I'm pregnant." Worked every time. And it's much better than just standing around enraged, or trying to stick your bump in people's faces and hoping they'll notice - or care.
This is ridiculous.
Giving up your seat for a pregnant lady, a child, an elderly or handicapped person SHOULD BE a non-starter. It's called common courtesy. This is the most basic crap you learn as soon as you hit your teenage years and ride public transport.
It's nice to sit, but if you are a healthy, non-pregnant adult, do you need your seat so much that you can't give it up to someone else who clearly has a need?
Why on earth waste mental energy passing judgement on the extent of their need and reading into motivations blah blah blah? If someone is pregnant they need the seat more than you do, unless you're old or disabled. Period. Just stand up and offer the seat. What's the big frickin deal? Is this so hard?
It also drive me crazy when you see some 4-year old hanging onto a pole while the subway car lurches around and NO ONE can be bothered to get up and offer a little kid a seat. I fail to understand what is so very hard, so challenging, so incomprehensible to some about offering up their seat when they see this. It's NOT THAT DIFFICULT.
Men may be asked to be chivalrous, but they are rarely asked to be pregnant, and therefore may not realize the many physical challenges aside from sudden weight gain and uncomfortable swelling: low blood pressure, high blood pressure, nausea, heartburn, and exhaustion.
Some people will never get it, but in my own experience of pregnancy, most people on the Q train were quite generous of spirit. And of seat.
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